My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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