you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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