Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
