I need to stop coming to work sober
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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