I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
