Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I have aggressive nipples.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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