People in love make me want to vomit
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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