she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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