I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My nipple is on Facebook.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize