I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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