like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
