I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
