PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
