i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
