I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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