***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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