When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
