You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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