my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
