Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
