Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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