I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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