you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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