im about as happy as oj after his trial
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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