Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
