At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize