did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
