She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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