There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
