I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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