I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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