The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize