The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
