your thong is hanging out like whoa
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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