God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
babies were throwing up all over the place
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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