last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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