you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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