so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
