The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
