I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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