We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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