life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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