when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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