Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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