this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
