Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
