made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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