Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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