i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
