he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
