The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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