So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
