I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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