So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
