I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
