you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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