Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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