I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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