in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Floor bacon is actually really good
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
