I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hippo gnu deer
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
