fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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