Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Drunk is not a location!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
